Goal #10: Evaluate what I want out of a relationship

I haven’t blogged lately because honestly, life has been busy and I haven’t felt the need to rant anonymously because overall, life has been decent.  However, it’s time to address one thing on my list – evaluate what I want out of a relationship.

I have been in a relationship with a long-time friend for about 3 years now.  We got together shortly after my husband died.  He was a good person to talk to.  He knew me well enough that I didn’t have to retell my life story.  We had dated over a decade ago – it was still oddly famliar.  Maybe we jumped in too fast, maybe not.  I don’t think there’s a true time limit on that after having gone through it.

When we first got together he swore he would love my kids like his own, I considered having another kid, he was around more and gave a shit.  Over time, he was around less, rarely sees the kids (and me), and is mad that I chose to not go to his family gatherings because let’s face it, we are in limbo and I’m not one for presenting a false circumstance (oh, and he didn’t ask me to go, just got mad when I didn’t).  So why would I ever think I was wanted there other than for show?

He went on a few vacations lately and didn’t even let me know he got there safely (correct, I was not with him).  WTF is that.  After 3 years, have a little respect.  Oh, and there’s been no sex lately either – strike 8 (no wonder I’m cranky).

So, how do you know when a relationship has run its course or if it’s a rough patch?  I keep making pro/con lists in my head.  I can’t decide if I’m afraid of losing him or the idea?  I surely don’t want to see him with anything else but am I living my best life?  Probably not.

I could ramble on and on, but really, what is the bottom line?  Why are we all so afraid of failure?  Living in a small town sure as hell doesn’t help.  The gossip never ends around here.  I hate it.

My kids know him.  I don’t want kids to see guys coming and going, but since he’s hardly around, maybe that’s not the best example either.  Rambling – that’s what you’re supposed to do in a blog right?  Going for a walk to ponder – open to suggestions.  The answer is likely clear to the rest of the world – why am I struggling with it?


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