Yet Another Stage of Grief/Loss…I Think?

Sad, mad, disappointed, repeat – we’ve all gone through it.  I keep telling myself it’s stupid because this loss does not compare to the loss of my husband/father of my children, but damn it, it’s still a loss.  The man (not to mention his family) have become pretty close to us over the past few years – holidays, birthdays, parades, bbqs, you name it.

So today I gave myself a pass to pout and be miserable.  I try very hard not to dwell often, but I’ve been miserable for weeks over this “loss”.  I tried out flotation therapy (jury still out on if it’s for me), curled up on the couch with my laptop and combined work with mindless activities until the kiddos came home and the chaos started again.  I’ve become a lot better at recognizing when I need me time but there’s never enough of it.  🙂

How to word the next set of jumbled thoughts in my head?  I always have a plan.  Right now, as far as my personal life or my long-term plan other than the day to day with the kids, there’s no one there.  Feeling like a pussy, but it’s a bit scary.  I always imagined my husband and I on the porch, having beers, laughing about something stupid someone we know did, playing cards with friends, etc.  These are the things my life has also focused around.  Over the past few years, I showed up at most functions alone and/or with just the kids, so it shouldn’t be much of a change, but somehow it is.  And who the hell wants to even think about “dating” in a small town?  Vomit.  I can’t do sex for just sex; it never works out that way and around here someone would find out about it within 30 seconds.  No thanks.  Also need to set a better example for my kids, especially my daughter.  This last relationship was not the shining example, BUT I do think it showed them to not avoid doing something because your significant other doesn’t partake/approve – be your own person and compromise when you think it’s warranted.

I think that’s enough random thoughts for the night.  I’m going to force myself to exercise and tomorrow work on putting my big girl pants back on.  Thanks for listening.

PS Ultimately, I feel like he is the one missing out on what could have been, but I hope he finds what he is looking for (sort of?)…..trying to be an adult about this….