Wants + Needs

Looking back on this last relationship, I realize we had almost nothing in common except our hometown and he was there for me when I was lost.  As I expected, my village was not the least bit sad that it was over.  Not that they didn’t like him as a person, but they didn’t like him for me and I don’t blame them.  I don’t think anyone in the whole town thought we were a good match.  I’m also glad they kept it to themselves.  I needed to come to my own conclusion.  No regrets just another chapter.

So I’ve been pondering about what I do want in a partner (not that I am in any rush whatsoever to have one).  I feel that like my goal list, I need to have an idea of what it is that I want, me, just me.  My late husband and I had could have fun in a mud puddle.  Not that it was perfect and having 2 little ones sure made for some good battles, but he adored me, always put us first, was proud of me, and up for just about anything.  My village loved him.

That being said, in no particular order –

  1. This mystery person and I must have more in common (shouldn’t take much to improve on this).
  2. My village needs to approve on some level.  It’s important.
  3. This person has to be a great role model for my kids and adore them.
  4. He has to be fun.  At this point in my life, I’m looking for fun without drama or begging.  Also shouldn’t be too muich to ask.
  5. They have to have less baggage than I do (again, keep the bar low here people).
  6. He has to have his own money.  I’m not anyone’s sugar mamma.
  7. It’d be nice if this person didn’t live in my day-to-day space.  Chances are if he does, he’s wrapped up in some sort of small-town drama.  No thanks.
  8. Must love to travel – I’m ready to see the world

I could go on and on, but I’m sure I’ve bored all of you enough for one day.  🙂  Cheers!

 

 

 

Yet Another Stage of Grief/Loss…I Think?

Sad, mad, disappointed, repeat – we’ve all gone through it.  I keep telling myself it’s stupid because this loss does not compare to the loss of my husband/father of my children, but damn it, it’s still a loss.  The man (not to mention his family) have become pretty close to us over the past few years – holidays, birthdays, parades, bbqs, you name it.

So today I gave myself a pass to pout and be miserable.  I try very hard not to dwell often, but I’ve been miserable for weeks over this “loss”.  I tried out flotation therapy (jury still out on if it’s for me), curled up on the couch with my laptop and combined work with mindless activities until the kiddos came home and the chaos started again.  I’ve become a lot better at recognizing when I need me time but there’s never enough of it.  🙂

How to word the next set of jumbled thoughts in my head?  I always have a plan.  Right now, as far as my personal life or my long-term plan other than the day to day with the kids, there’s no one there.  Feeling like a pussy, but it’s a bit scary.  I always imagined my husband and I on the porch, having beers, laughing about something stupid someone we know did, playing cards with friends, etc.  These are the things my life has also focused around.  Over the past few years, I showed up at most functions alone and/or with just the kids, so it shouldn’t be much of a change, but somehow it is.  And who the hell wants to even think about “dating” in a small town?  Vomit.  I can’t do sex for just sex; it never works out that way and around here someone would find out about it within 30 seconds.  No thanks.  Also need to set a better example for my kids, especially my daughter.  This last relationship was not the shining example, BUT I do think it showed them to not avoid doing something because your significant other doesn’t partake/approve – be your own person and compromise when you think it’s warranted.

I think that’s enough random thoughts for the night.  I’m going to force myself to exercise and tomorrow work on putting my big girl pants back on.  Thanks for listening.

PS Ultimately, I feel like he is the one missing out on what could have been, but I hope he finds what he is looking for (sort of?)…..trying to be an adult about this….