The Struggle Is Real And Maybe Signs Are Too?

I try to put a positive spin on things as much as possible, but sometimes there are those that just can’t see the positives.  Losing my husband in the accident was the worst day of our life.  We would have him back with us in a heartbeat if it was an option.  However, I look at my two healthy, smiling, loving kids and I know from the bottom of my heart that if one or both of them weren’t here and my husband and I were, we would have not been able to live with ourselves, much less together.

His family struggles.  A lot.  I can’t imagine the pain it must be to lose a child.  I’m not sure how I would cope if the kids weren’t here to keep me going much less if it was one of my children.  Don’t get me wrong, we struggle too but we do a lot of work to maintain functionality.  We started therapy immediately following the accident, we talk about it – all of the time, I encourage the kids to talk freely about their Daddy and his name goes on every drawing the kids do.  At times it’s relentless, but if that’s how they need to express how they are feeling then so be it.  To date, his family has not tried to find someone to talk to and instead crawl into a dark hole.  I try very very hard to accommodate their schedules and requests but I worry as the kids get older and busier, what they are going to grasp to if they can’t find themselves a bit of inner peace?

What started this rant?  His dad stopped by today to bring the kids ice cream but they are camping with my dad.  He started to go on about his depression and how he can’t get out of his funk (normal).  Up on the hill was a cardinal.  I almost giggled out loud.  I am less than religious but sometimes I just wonder if signs could be real.

I guess he owes me another one for listening to his Dad rant today.  I have a feeling he was probably giggling at me talking/tolerating to his Dad and crying at the same time.  I wish he was here to tell him to pull himself together – he was the only one who could get away with that.  At the very least it brings a smile to all of our faces every time we see a cardinal and wonder if it’s possible that there’s someone looking down on us?  I doubt it, but if it makes us smile – who cares!  I also ate one of the DQ blizzards and it was awesome….

Life Goals

I promised myself I would accomplish this today and although they need a little refinement, it’s a good start.

MY GOALS

  1. Short-term
    1. Raise happy, healthy kids
    2. Spend more time near the water, preferably the ocean – work remotely and just go
    3. Travel – spend the $$ and just do it
    4. Make time to visit good friends even if it means driving in the car
    5. Reduce work stress – it’s just not worth it
    6. Reduce time with family and friends that create drama – it’s just not worth it
    7. Try harder to not be angry for mom for not being around for me or the kids – it’s just not worth it
    8. Splurge (responsibly) – you can’t take it with you
    9. Read – you love it – make the time on the porch alone for a real book and a glass of wine
    10. Evaluate what I want out of a relationship
  2. Long-term
    1. Work part-time by the age of 50
    2. Get the f*** out of this area during the winter once the kids graduate from high school

The Rants of a Widowed Mom

Good morning!

I have been thinking about starting this blog for a few years now and today is the day – doing it.  I’ve found it so therapeutic to ramble anonymously daily, weekly, or whenever the mood strikes me.  There have to be more of us out there that could use a forum that is casual and supportive, so here it is.  Please feel free to share your stories, your day-to-day challenges (and wins!) and interact with the other followers.  I’m a newbie at this, so bear with me while I learn more about this platform.

I was widowed at the age of 33 in 2015 and left on my own to raise two toddlers.  We were all involved in a multi-car accident that killed my husband on-site at the age of 35.  By some miracle, myself and the kids made it out with minor injuries and alive.  I still believe we had no business walking away in one piece.  Long story short (for now), I put my big girl pants on as much as possible (likely I was in shock for a few months), pulled us back together, relocated our family, sold/bought a house, found a new full-time job and here we are.

Now that you know my background, it’s time for my blog for today.  I drove to and from the OBX myself with the kids.  It’s an annual trip but I haven’t done it by myself before.  This time I opted to drive alone so I could have some self-reflection time.  I think it was worth it, but I’m pondering the bigger picture.  Day-to-day life tends to get us down and we get stuck in routines and forget how big the world is.  Don’t get me wrong, we try to enjoy life to the fullest, but I’m a chicken when it comes to changing anything major.  I didn’t used to be, but kids and major life events change a person.  Stability is great for kids, but sometimes it drags me down.  I’m working on re-evaluating my goals.  Where do I want to be when I’m 50?  What do I want for the kids?  What is it in my life today that just pisses me off?  My job has great benefits and pay, but is it at all satisfying?  I’m thankful for what I have, but if I look back when I’m 80, will I feel like I took full advantage of the life I was given?  My goal for this week is to draft some goals and I think I will find some things in my life are inline with the long-term goals and some are sucking the life out of me.  More to come.