Wants + Needs

Looking back on this last relationship, I realize we had almost nothing in common except our hometown and he was there for me when I was lost.  As I expected, my village was not the least bit sad that it was over.  Not that they didn’t like him as a person, but they didn’t like him for me and I don’t blame them.  I don’t think anyone in the whole town thought we were a good match.  I’m also glad they kept it to themselves.  I needed to come to my own conclusion.  No regrets just another chapter.

So I’ve been pondering about what I do want in a partner (not that I am in any rush whatsoever to have one).  I feel that like my goal list, I need to have an idea of what it is that I want, me, just me.  My late husband and I had could have fun in a mud puddle.  Not that it was perfect and having 2 little ones sure made for some good battles, but he adored me, always put us first, was proud of me, and up for just about anything.  My village loved him.

That being said, in no particular order –

  1. This mystery person and I must have more in common (shouldn’t take much to improve on this).
  2. My village needs to approve on some level.  It’s important.
  3. This person has to be a great role model for my kids and adore them.
  4. He has to be fun.  At this point in my life, I’m looking for fun without drama or begging.  Also shouldn’t be too muich to ask.
  5. They have to have less baggage than I do (again, keep the bar low here people).
  6. He has to have his own money.  I’m not anyone’s sugar mamma.
  7. It’d be nice if this person didn’t live in my day-to-day space.  Chances are if he does, he’s wrapped up in some sort of small-town drama.  No thanks.
  8. Must love to travel – I’m ready to see the world

I could go on and on, but I’m sure I’ve bored all of you enough for one day.  🙂  Cheers!

 

 

 

Yet Another Stage of Grief/Loss…I Think?

Sad, mad, disappointed, repeat – we’ve all gone through it.  I keep telling myself it’s stupid because this loss does not compare to the loss of my husband/father of my children, but damn it, it’s still a loss.  The man (not to mention his family) have become pretty close to us over the past few years – holidays, birthdays, parades, bbqs, you name it.

So today I gave myself a pass to pout and be miserable.  I try very hard not to dwell often, but I’ve been miserable for weeks over this “loss”.  I tried out flotation therapy (jury still out on if it’s for me), curled up on the couch with my laptop and combined work with mindless activities until the kiddos came home and the chaos started again.  I’ve become a lot better at recognizing when I need me time but there’s never enough of it.  🙂

How to word the next set of jumbled thoughts in my head?  I always have a plan.  Right now, as far as my personal life or my long-term plan other than the day to day with the kids, there’s no one there.  Feeling like a pussy, but it’s a bit scary.  I always imagined my husband and I on the porch, having beers, laughing about something stupid someone we know did, playing cards with friends, etc.  These are the things my life has also focused around.  Over the past few years, I showed up at most functions alone and/or with just the kids, so it shouldn’t be much of a change, but somehow it is.  And who the hell wants to even think about “dating” in a small town?  Vomit.  I can’t do sex for just sex; it never works out that way and around here someone would find out about it within 30 seconds.  No thanks.  Also need to set a better example for my kids, especially my daughter.  This last relationship was not the shining example, BUT I do think it showed them to not avoid doing something because your significant other doesn’t partake/approve – be your own person and compromise when you think it’s warranted.

I think that’s enough random thoughts for the night.  I’m going to force myself to exercise and tomorrow work on putting my big girl pants back on.  Thanks for listening.

PS Ultimately, I feel like he is the one missing out on what could have been, but I hope he finds what he is looking for (sort of?)…..trying to be an adult about this….

Goal #10: Evaluate what I want out of a relationship

I haven’t blogged lately because honestly, life has been busy and I haven’t felt the need to rant anonymously because overall, life has been decent.  However, it’s time to address one thing on my list – evaluate what I want out of a relationship.

I have been in a relationship with a long-time friend for about 3 years now.  We got together shortly after my husband died.  He was a good person to talk to.  He knew me well enough that I didn’t have to retell my life story.  We had dated over a decade ago – it was still oddly famliar.  Maybe we jumped in too fast, maybe not.  I don’t think there’s a true time limit on that after having gone through it.

When we first got together he swore he would love my kids like his own, I considered having another kid, he was around more and gave a shit.  Over time, he was around less, rarely sees the kids (and me), and is mad that I chose to not go to his family gatherings because let’s face it, we are in limbo and I’m not one for presenting a false circumstance (oh, and he didn’t ask me to go, just got mad when I didn’t).  So why would I ever think I was wanted there other than for show?

He went on a few vacations lately and didn’t even let me know he got there safely (correct, I was not with him).  WTF is that.  After 3 years, have a little respect.  Oh, and there’s been no sex lately either – strike 8 (no wonder I’m cranky).

So, how do you know when a relationship has run its course or if it’s a rough patch?  I keep making pro/con lists in my head.  I can’t decide if I’m afraid of losing him or the idea?  I surely don’t want to see him with anything else but am I living my best life?  Probably not.

I could ramble on and on, but really, what is the bottom line?  Why are we all so afraid of failure?  Living in a small town sure as hell doesn’t help.  The gossip never ends around here.  I hate it.

My kids know him.  I don’t want kids to see guys coming and going, but since he’s hardly around, maybe that’s not the best example either.  Rambling – that’s what you’re supposed to do in a blog right?  Going for a walk to ponder – open to suggestions.  The answer is likely clear to the rest of the world – why am I struggling with it?

 

The Struggle Is Real And Maybe Signs Are Too?

I try to put a positive spin on things as much as possible, but sometimes there are those that just can’t see the positives.  Losing my husband in the accident was the worst day of our life.  We would have him back with us in a heartbeat if it was an option.  However, I look at my two healthy, smiling, loving kids and I know from the bottom of my heart that if one or both of them weren’t here and my husband and I were, we would have not been able to live with ourselves, much less together.

His family struggles.  A lot.  I can’t imagine the pain it must be to lose a child.  I’m not sure how I would cope if the kids weren’t here to keep me going much less if it was one of my children.  Don’t get me wrong, we struggle too but we do a lot of work to maintain functionality.  We started therapy immediately following the accident, we talk about it – all of the time, I encourage the kids to talk freely about their Daddy and his name goes on every drawing the kids do.  At times it’s relentless, but if that’s how they need to express how they are feeling then so be it.  To date, his family has not tried to find someone to talk to and instead crawl into a dark hole.  I try very very hard to accommodate their schedules and requests but I worry as the kids get older and busier, what they are going to grasp to if they can’t find themselves a bit of inner peace?

What started this rant?  His dad stopped by today to bring the kids ice cream but they are camping with my dad.  He started to go on about his depression and how he can’t get out of his funk (normal).  Up on the hill was a cardinal.  I almost giggled out loud.  I am less than religious but sometimes I just wonder if signs could be real.

I guess he owes me another one for listening to his Dad rant today.  I have a feeling he was probably giggling at me talking/tolerating to his Dad and crying at the same time.  I wish he was here to tell him to pull himself together – he was the only one who could get away with that.  At the very least it brings a smile to all of our faces every time we see a cardinal and wonder if it’s possible that there’s someone looking down on us?  I doubt it, but if it makes us smile – who cares!  I also ate one of the DQ blizzards and it was awesome….

Life Goals

I promised myself I would accomplish this today and although they need a little refinement, it’s a good start.

MY GOALS

  1. Short-term
    1. Raise happy, healthy kids
    2. Spend more time near the water, preferably the ocean – work remotely and just go
    3. Travel – spend the $$ and just do it
    4. Make time to visit good friends even if it means driving in the car
    5. Reduce work stress – it’s just not worth it
    6. Reduce time with family and friends that create drama – it’s just not worth it
    7. Try harder to not be angry for mom for not being around for me or the kids – it’s just not worth it
    8. Splurge (responsibly) – you can’t take it with you
    9. Read – you love it – make the time on the porch alone for a real book and a glass of wine
    10. Evaluate what I want out of a relationship
  2. Long-term
    1. Work part-time by the age of 50
    2. Get the f*** out of this area during the winter once the kids graduate from high school

The Rants of a Widowed Mom

Good morning!

I have been thinking about starting this blog for a few years now and today is the day – doing it.  I’ve found it so therapeutic to ramble anonymously daily, weekly, or whenever the mood strikes me.  There have to be more of us out there that could use a forum that is casual and supportive, so here it is.  Please feel free to share your stories, your day-to-day challenges (and wins!) and interact with the other followers.  I’m a newbie at this, so bear with me while I learn more about this platform.

I was widowed at the age of 33 in 2015 and left on my own to raise two toddlers.  We were all involved in a multi-car accident that killed my husband on-site at the age of 35.  By some miracle, myself and the kids made it out with minor injuries and alive.  I still believe we had no business walking away in one piece.  Long story short (for now), I put my big girl pants on as much as possible (likely I was in shock for a few months), pulled us back together, relocated our family, sold/bought a house, found a new full-time job and here we are.

Now that you know my background, it’s time for my blog for today.  I drove to and from the OBX myself with the kids.  It’s an annual trip but I haven’t done it by myself before.  This time I opted to drive alone so I could have some self-reflection time.  I think it was worth it, but I’m pondering the bigger picture.  Day-to-day life tends to get us down and we get stuck in routines and forget how big the world is.  Don’t get me wrong, we try to enjoy life to the fullest, but I’m a chicken when it comes to changing anything major.  I didn’t used to be, but kids and major life events change a person.  Stability is great for kids, but sometimes it drags me down.  I’m working on re-evaluating my goals.  Where do I want to be when I’m 50?  What do I want for the kids?  What is it in my life today that just pisses me off?  My job has great benefits and pay, but is it at all satisfying?  I’m thankful for what I have, but if I look back when I’m 80, will I feel like I took full advantage of the life I was given?  My goal for this week is to draft some goals and I think I will find some things in my life are inline with the long-term goals and some are sucking the life out of me.  More to come.