It’s Been A While….Time to Update the Self-Reflection

It’s been quite a while since I have written and I really don’t know why other than life is a zoo – same old.  Someone today asked me about my “lists” and it prompted to me to wonder, what about my lists?  It’s been a while – probably time to revisit and remind myself what I want for ME.

So, now that I just read through my goal list, it seems I haven’t made much progress on some of them and I’m not sure what to do about that.  It’s a bit annoying that in 6 months I have the same bullet items with no progress.  Things I really need to remind myself to work on –

  • Reduce work stress – it’s been a hell of a year at work.  Meeting with boss on Thursday to try and figure this out.  Absolutely need to enjoy my summer more this year.
  • Read – still a struggle and I have no idea why other than by the time evening comes, I’m tired and my brain hurts.  I read all day for work and I don’t want to do it at night.  The only books I’ve read for pleasure in the past year were at the beach when I was “allowed” to read for fun….when I’m home I see things around me that need to be done.  I have listened to portions of audible books – does that count?  Anyone have any good no-brain-required book recommendations?  I love a good series that never ends (Janet Evanovich’s books rule).
  • Evaluate what I want in a relationship – response is “it’s complicated”.
    • I dated someone for a bit around Christmas time.  He’s an absolutely lovely person with way too much baggage currently.  It hurt because it was so nice and then over like a switch.  Have I mentioned I’m not good at dating nor do I really want to truly “date”?  Vomit.
    • I had a drunken encounter with a long-time friend recently.  Honestly, I thought that was going to be the extent of it and then he texted.  And then, he texted again….hmmmmmm.  After the last debacle and realizing how much things hurt me and there always seems to be kids involved at this age, I’m downright afraid but not so afraid to see what happens.  TBD.  He cooks – that has to count for something right?

So, with all of this, I still believe there are things I am feeling positive about –

  • Exercise/healthy lifestyle – outside of too many beers on weekends, I’m doing pretty well at this one.  Sure would be nice if we had a decent grocery store around here!  The town is improving healthy activity options and the weather is finally improving – all should help.
  • Travel – I’ve made it clear to everyone I know that if they want to go somewhere and it’s within our means, we are in – let’s do it.
  • Reduce time with negative people – minimized and timeouts taken as needed.
  • Find a new therapist – I’ve tried – I’ve even gone as far as attempting online therapy.  It’s sooooo hard to start over with someone much less find someone with whom you connect.  The search continues.

So many days I just want to pull an “Eat, Love, Pray” and if it weren’t for my 2 kiddos I’d be in Italy stuffing myself with pasta getting ready to hit an island for the duration.

So there’s my self-reflection for the day.  It was good to check back in with this blog and myself.

Wants + Needs

Looking back on this last relationship, I realize we had almost nothing in common except our hometown and he was there for me when I was lost.  As I expected, my village was not the least bit sad that it was over.  Not that they didn’t like him as a person, but they didn’t like him for me and I don’t blame them.  I don’t think anyone in the whole town thought we were a good match.  I’m also glad they kept it to themselves.  I needed to come to my own conclusion.  No regrets just another chapter.

So I’ve been pondering about what I do want in a partner (not that I am in any rush whatsoever to have one).  I feel that like my goal list, I need to have an idea of what it is that I want, me, just me.  My late husband and I had could have fun in a mud puddle.  Not that it was perfect and having 2 little ones sure made for some good battles, but he adored me, always put us first, was proud of me, and up for just about anything.  My village loved him.

That being said, in no particular order –

  1. This mystery person and I must have more in common (shouldn’t take much to improve on this).
  2. My village needs to approve on some level.  It’s important.
  3. This person has to be a great role model for my kids and adore them.
  4. He has to be fun.  At this point in my life, I’m looking for fun without drama or begging.  Also shouldn’t be too muich to ask.
  5. They have to have less baggage than I do (again, keep the bar low here people).
  6. He has to have his own money.  I’m not anyone’s sugar mamma.
  7. It’d be nice if this person didn’t live in my day-to-day space.  Chances are if he does, he’s wrapped up in some sort of small-town drama.  No thanks.
  8. Must love to travel – I’m ready to see the world

I could go on and on, but I’m sure I’ve bored all of you enough for one day.  🙂  Cheers!




Yet Another Stage of Grief/Loss…I Think?

Sad, mad, disappointed, repeat – we’ve all gone through it.  I keep telling myself it’s stupid because this loss does not compare to the loss of my husband/father of my children, but damn it, it’s still a loss.  The man (not to mention his family) have become pretty close to us over the past few years – holidays, birthdays, parades, bbqs, you name it.

So today I gave myself a pass to pout and be miserable.  I try very hard not to dwell often, but I’ve been miserable for weeks over this “loss”.  I tried out flotation therapy (jury still out on if it’s for me), curled up on the couch with my laptop and combined work with mindless activities until the kiddos came home and the chaos started again.  I’ve become a lot better at recognizing when I need me time but there’s never enough of it.  🙂

How to word the next set of jumbled thoughts in my head?  I always have a plan.  Right now, as far as my personal life or my long-term plan other than the day to day with the kids, there’s no one there.  Feeling like a pussy, but it’s a bit scary.  I always imagined my husband and I on the porch, having beers, laughing about something stupid someone we know did, playing cards with friends, etc.  These are the things my life has also focused around.  Over the past few years, I showed up at most functions alone and/or with just the kids, so it shouldn’t be much of a change, but somehow it is.  And who the hell wants to even think about “dating” in a small town?  Vomit.  I can’t do sex for just sex; it never works out that way and around here someone would find out about it within 30 seconds.  No thanks.  Also need to set a better example for my kids, especially my daughter.  This last relationship was not the shining example, BUT I do think it showed them to not avoid doing something because your significant other doesn’t partake/approve – be your own person and compromise when you think it’s warranted.

I think that’s enough random thoughts for the night.  I’m going to force myself to exercise and tomorrow work on putting my big girl pants back on.  Thanks for listening.

PS Ultimately, I feel like he is the one missing out on what could have been, but I hope he finds what he is looking for (sort of?)…..trying to be an adult about this….