It’s Been A While….Time to Update the Self-Reflection

It’s been quite a while since I have written and I really don’t know why other than life is a zoo – same old.  Someone today asked me about my “lists” and it prompted to me to wonder, what about my lists?  It’s been a while – probably time to revisit and remind myself what I want for ME.

So, now that I just read through my goal list, it seems I haven’t made much progress on some of them and I’m not sure what to do about that.  It’s a bit annoying that in 6 months I have the same bullet items with no progress.  Things I really need to remind myself to work on –

  • Reduce work stress – it’s been a hell of a year at work.  Meeting with boss on Thursday to try and figure this out.  Absolutely need to enjoy my summer more this year.
  • Read – still a struggle and I have no idea why other than by the time evening comes, I’m tired and my brain hurts.  I read all day for work and I don’t want to do it at night.  The only books I’ve read for pleasure in the past year were at the beach when I was “allowed” to read for fun….when I’m home I see things around me that need to be done.  I have listened to portions of audible books – does that count?  Anyone have any good no-brain-required book recommendations?  I love a good series that never ends (Janet Evanovich’s books rule).
  • Evaluate what I want in a relationship – response is “it’s complicated”.
    • I dated someone for a bit around Christmas time.  He’s an absolutely lovely person with way too much baggage currently.  It hurt because it was so nice and then over like a switch.  Have I mentioned I’m not good at dating nor do I really want to truly “date”?  Vomit.
    • I had a drunken encounter with a long-time friend recently.  Honestly, I thought that was going to be the extent of it and then he texted.  And then, he texted again….hmmmmmm.  After the last debacle and realizing how much things hurt me and there always seems to be kids involved at this age, I’m downright afraid but not so afraid to see what happens.  TBD.  He cooks – that has to count for something right?

So, with all of this, I still believe there are things I am feeling positive about –

  • Exercise/healthy lifestyle – outside of too many beers on weekends, I’m doing pretty well at this one.  Sure would be nice if we had a decent grocery store around here!  The town is improving healthy activity options and the weather is finally improving – all should help.
  • Travel – I’ve made it clear to everyone I know that if they want to go somewhere and it’s within our means, we are in – let’s do it.
  • Reduce time with negative people – minimized and timeouts taken as needed.
  • Find a new therapist – I’ve tried – I’ve even gone as far as attempting online therapy.  It’s sooooo hard to start over with someone much less find someone with whom you connect.  The search continues.

So many days I just want to pull an “Eat, Love, Pray” and if it weren’t for my 2 kiddos I’d be in Italy stuffing myself with pasta getting ready to hit an island for the duration.

So there’s my self-reflection for the day.  It was good to check back in with this blog and myself.

Wants + Needs

Looking back on this last relationship, I realize we had almost nothing in common except our hometown and he was there for me when I was lost.  As I expected, my village was not the least bit sad that it was over.  Not that they didn’t like him as a person, but they didn’t like him for me and I don’t blame them.  I don’t think anyone in the whole town thought we were a good match.  I’m also glad they kept it to themselves.  I needed to come to my own conclusion.  No regrets just another chapter.

So I’ve been pondering about what I do want in a partner (not that I am in any rush whatsoever to have one).  I feel that like my goal list, I need to have an idea of what it is that I want, me, just me.  My late husband and I had could have fun in a mud puddle.  Not that it was perfect and having 2 little ones sure made for some good battles, but he adored me, always put us first, was proud of me, and up for just about anything.  My village loved him.

That being said, in no particular order –

  1. This mystery person and I must have more in common (shouldn’t take much to improve on this).
  2. My village needs to approve on some level.  It’s important.
  3. This person has to be a great role model for my kids and adore them.
  4. He has to be fun.  At this point in my life, I’m looking for fun without drama or begging.  Also shouldn’t be too muich to ask.
  5. They have to have less baggage than I do (again, keep the bar low here people).
  6. He has to have his own money.  I’m not anyone’s sugar mamma.
  7. It’d be nice if this person didn’t live in my day-to-day space.  Chances are if he does, he’s wrapped up in some sort of small-town drama.  No thanks.
  8. Must love to travel – I’m ready to see the world

I could go on and on, but I’m sure I’ve bored all of you enough for one day.  🙂  Cheers!




Yet Another Stage of Grief/Loss…I Think?

Sad, mad, disappointed, repeat – we’ve all gone through it.  I keep telling myself it’s stupid because this loss does not compare to the loss of my husband/father of my children, but damn it, it’s still a loss.  The man (not to mention his family) have become pretty close to us over the past few years – holidays, birthdays, parades, bbqs, you name it.

So today I gave myself a pass to pout and be miserable.  I try very hard not to dwell often, but I’ve been miserable for weeks over this “loss”.  I tried out flotation therapy (jury still out on if it’s for me), curled up on the couch with my laptop and combined work with mindless activities until the kiddos came home and the chaos started again.  I’ve become a lot better at recognizing when I need me time but there’s never enough of it.  🙂

How to word the next set of jumbled thoughts in my head?  I always have a plan.  Right now, as far as my personal life or my long-term plan other than the day to day with the kids, there’s no one there.  Feeling like a pussy, but it’s a bit scary.  I always imagined my husband and I on the porch, having beers, laughing about something stupid someone we know did, playing cards with friends, etc.  These are the things my life has also focused around.  Over the past few years, I showed up at most functions alone and/or with just the kids, so it shouldn’t be much of a change, but somehow it is.  And who the hell wants to even think about “dating” in a small town?  Vomit.  I can’t do sex for just sex; it never works out that way and around here someone would find out about it within 30 seconds.  No thanks.  Also need to set a better example for my kids, especially my daughter.  This last relationship was not the shining example, BUT I do think it showed them to not avoid doing something because your significant other doesn’t partake/approve – be your own person and compromise when you think it’s warranted.

I think that’s enough random thoughts for the night.  I’m going to force myself to exercise and tomorrow work on putting my big girl pants back on.  Thanks for listening.

PS Ultimately, I feel like he is the one missing out on what could have been, but I hope he finds what he is looking for (sort of?)…..trying to be an adult about this….

Time for Some Serious Reflection

I keep coming back to this goal list I put together a few months ago.  I’ve made some major progress lately and I think it’s time to dive deeper into the list, note a few goals that are “on track” and where do I focus next.  So here it goes – thanks for listening.

MY GOALS (previous post)

  1. Short-term
    1. Raise happy, healthy kids On track – my kids are amazing and doing well.
    2. Spend more time near the water, preferably the ocean – work remotely and just go I’ve made some progress here and it pairs with #3 – booked a cruise with a few other moms and our kids around the holidays.  So stinking excited.
    3. Travel – spend the $$ and just do it Just debating where is next?  Likely Europe with my dad.  It’s been on his bucket list to see castles for as long as I can remember.  I was fortunate enough to get to go to Austria in December and it’s a must-see.  The USA is a great place to live, but “old” just isn’t “old” here.
    4. Make time to visit good friends even if it means driving in the car This one needs improvement.  Everyone’s schedules are insane, but planning a few trips within driving distance to see friends.
    5. Reduce work stress – it’s just not worth it Failing miserable at this one but there are just waves of time where work is nuts and you have to deal with it.  I booked an appointment for first thing tomorrow AM to try float therapy for the first time.  I can’t wait to try it out – pretty new idea for this little town.
    6. Reduce time with family and friends that create drama – it’s just not worth it Since I put this on the list, I’d say I’ve improved.  There are just some people (family and friends mixed) that are not worth the time.
    7. Try harder to not be angry for mom for not being around for me or the kids – it’s just not worth it Tough one – my mom just left again for who knows how long.  I’m angry.  We’ll keep this as a work in progress and needs improvement.  🙂  Might need to add this to the long-term list….
    8. Splurge (responsibly) – you can’t take it with you Bought a Jeep (nothing fancy just something we can cruise the back roads in – it’s been on my bucket list forever.  F it.  No regrets.
    9. Read – you love it – make the time on the porch alone for a real book and a glass of wine Totally failing.  I’ll work on it.
    10. Evaluate what I want out of a relationship  Here is what truly triggered the post today.  Finally called it quits with the person I’ve been seeing almost since my husband died (no need to tell me that was probably a bad idea, but I own it and it was my decision.  It is what it is.)  I’m sad, really sad.  The funny thing is – no one I know is sad.  I don’t blame them.  Outside looking in I’ve told myself I was stupid on more than one occasion but I am sure deep down I’m afraid to be alone.  I haven’t been alone since about 2003 when he and I dated in our 20s.  It’s scary and freeing?  I think he’s been a security blanket for me and a friend.  He was a terrible boyfriend 95% of the time but I also did what I wanted, when I wanted, raised the kids the way I wanted, etc.  Our Venn Diagram just wasn’t overlapping anymore.  He desperately wants kids of his own, but I question if he has it in him to put the time and effort into it – he’s extremely self-centered.  But, I will be ok and this too shall pass.  I wish we didn’t live in a small town because it makes everything much harder.  I could ramble all day, but it was the right decision for both of us even it it sucks.
    11. NEW – Exercise, exercise, exercise and plan meals.  I’ve been doing pretty well in the exercise department for 6 weeks except last week.  I was active and got the steps in, etc. but didn’t stick to my workout plan.  Running around and coaching the kids helps me stay on track too.  Way to many adult-coping beverages this weekend.  Back on track with this tomorrow.  I can’t deny how much better I feel when I feel good about myself inside AND out.  Need to meal plan just to keep my sanity and so the kids don’t eat PB&J for every meal.
    12. NEW – Find a new therapist because mine quit – piss poor timing on her part but can’t blame someone for moving forward in their life.
    13. NEW – Begin to start thinking about how I can help others like me.  Last week a girl from town lost her husband in an auto accident.  She and her daughter (age 3) were in the car.  I don’t know her but also didn’t want to overstep and contact her.  Today one of my friends who knows her asked me if she could share my information with her – yes, please do.  Being a recent widow with small children is hard enough much less trying to navigate Social Security and the rest of the paperwork.  I feel like I have more to give but not exactly sure how I want to do it.  For now, little things and maybe in the future, something bigger.
  1. Long-term
    1. Work part-time by the age of 50
    2. Get the f*** out of this area during the winter once the kids graduate from high school

That’s it for now.  Thank you for all of the words of encouragement and listening to me ramble! 

Goal #10: Evaluate what I want out of a relationship

I haven’t blogged lately because honestly, life has been busy and I haven’t felt the need to rant anonymously because overall, life has been decent.  However, it’s time to address one thing on my list – evaluate what I want out of a relationship.

I have been in a relationship with a long-time friend for about 3 years now.  We got together shortly after my husband died.  He was a good person to talk to.  He knew me well enough that I didn’t have to retell my life story.  We had dated over a decade ago – it was still oddly famliar.  Maybe we jumped in too fast, maybe not.  I don’t think there’s a true time limit on that after having gone through it.

When we first got together he swore he would love my kids like his own, I considered having another kid, he was around more and gave a shit.  Over time, he was around less, rarely sees the kids (and me), and is mad that I chose to not go to his family gatherings because let’s face it, we are in limbo and I’m not one for presenting a false circumstance (oh, and he didn’t ask me to go, just got mad when I didn’t).  So why would I ever think I was wanted there other than for show?

He went on a few vacations lately and didn’t even let me know he got there safely (correct, I was not with him).  WTF is that.  After 3 years, have a little respect.  Oh, and there’s been no sex lately either – strike 8 (no wonder I’m cranky).

So, how do you know when a relationship has run its course or if it’s a rough patch?  I keep making pro/con lists in my head.  I can’t decide if I’m afraid of losing him or the idea?  I surely don’t want to see him with anything else but am I living my best life?  Probably not.

I could ramble on and on, but really, what is the bottom line?  Why are we all so afraid of failure?  Living in a small town sure as hell doesn’t help.  The gossip never ends around here.  I hate it.

My kids know him.  I don’t want kids to see guys coming and going, but since he’s hardly around, maybe that’s not the best example either.  Rambling – that’s what you’re supposed to do in a blog right?  Going for a walk to ponder – open to suggestions.  The answer is likely clear to the rest of the world – why am I struggling with it?


Cemetery Walkers

Part 1 – Cemetery Walkers

So this post may annoy the crap out of some people, but cemetery walkers/joggers annoy the crap out of me.  I often go to the cemetery in the morning and have my coffee next to my late husband’s grave (morbid, probably but it seems to be soothing in a weird sort of way).  For 3.5 years now, I’ve had people walk past me, sometimes in groups, while I’m really grieving and I just hate it.  I understand it’s a quiet place to walk without any traffic, but in my opinion, the cemetery is a place for remembering those we have lost – not exercising.

Part 2 – Hanging Out @ Graves

When all of this happened it was the middle of a brutal winter.  The cemetery in the winter is a morbid, sad, depressing place.  However, once spring finally came around, I felt the need to visit.  When I think about the actual action of someone being buried in a box under the ground forever, it makes me puke in my mouth a little.  Isn’t there a better way to honor our dead?  We aren’t religious.  It’d be easier if we were because they just go to Heaven right?  Happily ever after….

Part 3 – He Should Be Here

My son played in his first baseball tournament this past weekend and wore his Dad’s #.  My daughter is starting school.  He’s missing out on so much.