I try to put a positive spin on things as much as possible, but sometimes there are those that just can’t see the positives. Losing my husband in the accident was the worst day of our life. We would have him back with us in a heartbeat if it was an option. However, I look at my two healthy, smiling, loving kids and I know from the bottom of my heart that if one or both of them weren’t here and my husband and I were, we would have not been able to live with ourselves, much less together.
His family struggles. A lot. I can’t imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. I’m not sure how I would cope if the kids weren’t here to keep me going much less if it was one of my children. Don’t get me wrong, we struggle too but we do a lot of work to maintain functionality. We started therapy immediately following the accident, we talk about it – all of the time, I encourage the kids to talk freely about their Daddy and his name goes on every drawing the kids do. At times it’s relentless, but if that’s how they need to express how they are feeling then so be it. To date, his family has not tried to find someone to talk to and instead crawl into a dark hole. I try very very hard to accommodate their schedules and requests but I worry as the kids get older and busier, what they are going to grasp to if they can’t find themselves a bit of inner peace?
What started this rant? His dad stopped by today to bring the kids ice cream but they are camping with my dad. He started to go on about his depression and how he can’t get out of his funk (normal). Up on the hill was a cardinal. I almost giggled out loud. I am less than religious but sometimes I just wonder if signs could be real.
I guess he owes me another one for listening to his Dad rant today. I have a feeling he was probably giggling at me talking/tolerating to his Dad and crying at the same time. I wish he was here to tell him to pull himself together – he was the only one who could get away with that. At the very least it brings a smile to all of our faces every time we see a cardinal and wonder if it’s possible that there’s someone looking down on us? I doubt it, but if it makes us smile – who cares! I also ate one of the DQ blizzards and it was awesome….
This week seemed like an appropriate time to chat about the daily tightrope walk between work, kids, life, and all that comes with it. I’m very fortunate to be able to work from home a few days a week. Without the flexibility of my job, I really have no idea how I would get anything accomplished. Our schedule for the week –
Sunday – get back at night from a vacation after 13 hours in the car (rough, I know). Kids are cranky to start the week.
Monday – work, daycare, kindergarten orientation mid-morning (how the hell are people supposed to accommodate these crazy school schedules that are ever-changing?), pool is being replaced and I can’t think straight enough about where to put the abundance of random rocks the previous owner has everywhere so put them in a pile and that will be tomorrow’s problem, water the porch plants because they keep dying (put buy new plants on to-do list), grandparents show up to “visit”. They are mad because they planned a random camping trip and we have plans (insert attempt to figure out scheduling into tomorrow’s agenda). Get kids into the shower so I can clean up from dinner and get them to bed. They want a story but I’m too damn tired (fail – see future rant on reading), get them to bed – phew. One wakes up – he had an accident- deal with that mess. The other one wakes up, bad dreams and refuses to go back to bed. She’s notorious for fighting with me in the middle of the night. Sleep a bit?
Tuesday (so far) – work – the boss is very pissy and I’m sure it’s a matter of time until it’s my turn to be the target. Attempt to be productive in the meantime but the network at the office can’t handle the size of my file and keeps crashing (super). Screw it and let files recover while I catch-up with the office staff, buy LIVING hanging baskets, a few 2-for-1 plants, dip for a party Saturday and pick-up lunch for the girls in the office. Get back to office and the files still aren’t cooperating. Have a few conference calls that were actually productive (yay!) and opt to drive home so I have a working network. I grab the kids on the way home to save myself a trip. Groceries were delivered and I now have flower petals all over the back of my car (yay!). Ok, all of that is taken care of and the flowers are watered. I tell the kids no to mac and cheese 80x – done. I sent them to the basement playroom so I can eat the raspberries that just came – alone. They ate all of the cucumbers yesterday. They eat food as fast as I buy it these days! Sitting down to work a bit more before we eat something before the baseball game that won’t end until after their bedtime. Amazing how much we do in a day even when we just hit the highlights. 🙂
I’m tired of typing, so not even going to go into the rest of the week at this point. You get the drift. Welcome to the zoo!
I promised myself I would accomplish this today and although they need a little refinement, it’s a good start.
- Raise happy, healthy kids
- Spend more time near the water, preferably the ocean – work remotely and just go
- Travel – spend the $$ and just do it
- Make time to visit good friends even if it means driving in the car
- Reduce work stress – it’s just not worth it
- Reduce time with family and friends that create drama – it’s just not worth it
- Try harder to not be angry for mom for not being around for me or the kids – it’s just not worth it
- Splurge (responsibly) – you can’t take it with you
- Read – you love it – make the time on the porch alone for a real book and a glass of wine
- Evaluate what I want out of a relationship
- Work part-time by the age of 50
- Get the f*** out of this area during the winter once the kids graduate from high school
I have been thinking about starting this blog for a few years now and today is the day – doing it. I’ve found it so therapeutic to ramble anonymously daily, weekly, or whenever the mood strikes me. There have to be more of us out there that could use a forum that is casual and supportive, so here it is. Please feel free to share your stories, your day-to-day challenges (and wins!) and interact with the other followers. I’m a newbie at this, so bear with me while I learn more about this platform.
I was widowed at the age of 33 in 2015 and left on my own to raise two toddlers. We were all involved in a multi-car accident that killed my husband on-site at the age of 35. By some miracle, myself and the kids made it out with minor injuries and alive. I still believe we had no business walking away in one piece. Long story short (for now), I put my big girl pants on as much as possible (likely I was in shock for a few months), pulled us back together, relocated our family, sold/bought a house, found a new full-time job and here we are.
Now that you know my background, it’s time for my blog for today. I drove to and from the OBX myself with the kids. It’s an annual trip but I haven’t done it by myself before. This time I opted to drive alone so I could have some self-reflection time. I think it was worth it, but I’m pondering the bigger picture. Day-to-day life tends to get us down and we get stuck in routines and forget how big the world is. Don’t get me wrong, we try to enjoy life to the fullest, but I’m a chicken when it comes to changing anything major. I didn’t used to be, but kids and major life events change a person. Stability is great for kids, but sometimes it drags me down. I’m working on re-evaluating my goals. Where do I want to be when I’m 50? What do I want for the kids? What is it in my life today that just pisses me off? My job has great benefits and pay, but is it at all satisfying? I’m thankful for what I have, but if I look back when I’m 80, will I feel like I took full advantage of the life I was given? My goal for this week is to draft some goals and I think I will find some things in my life are inline with the long-term goals and some are sucking the life out of me. More to come.