Time for Some Serious Reflection

I keep coming back to this goal list I put together a few months ago.  I’ve made some major progress lately and I think it’s time to dive deeper into the list, note a few goals that are “on track” and where do I focus next.  So here it goes – thanks for listening.

MY GOALS (previous post)

  1. Short-term
    1. Raise happy, healthy kids On track – my kids are amazing and doing well.
    2. Spend more time near the water, preferably the ocean – work remotely and just go I’ve made some progress here and it pairs with #3 – booked a cruise with a few other moms and our kids around the holidays.  So stinking excited.
    3. Travel – spend the $$ and just do it Just debating where is next?  Likely Europe with my dad.  It’s been on his bucket list to see castles for as long as I can remember.  I was fortunate enough to get to go to Austria in December and it’s a must-see.  The USA is a great place to live, but “old” just isn’t “old” here.
    4. Make time to visit good friends even if it means driving in the car This one needs improvement.  Everyone’s schedules are insane, but planning a few trips within driving distance to see friends.
    5. Reduce work stress – it’s just not worth it Failing miserable at this one but there are just waves of time where work is nuts and you have to deal with it.  I booked an appointment for first thing tomorrow AM to try float therapy for the first time.  I can’t wait to try it out – pretty new idea for this little town.
    6. Reduce time with family and friends that create drama – it’s just not worth it Since I put this on the list, I’d say I’ve improved.  There are just some people (family and friends mixed) that are not worth the time.
    7. Try harder to not be angry for mom for not being around for me or the kids – it’s just not worth it Tough one – my mom just left again for who knows how long.  I’m angry.  We’ll keep this as a work in progress and needs improvement.  🙂  Might need to add this to the long-term list….
    8. Splurge (responsibly) – you can’t take it with you Bought a Jeep (nothing fancy just something we can cruise the back roads in – it’s been on my bucket list forever.  F it.  No regrets.
    9. Read – you love it – make the time on the porch alone for a real book and a glass of wine Totally failing.  I’ll work on it.
    10. Evaluate what I want out of a relationship  Here is what truly triggered the post today.  Finally called it quits with the person I’ve been seeing almost since my husband died (no need to tell me that was probably a bad idea, but I own it and it was my decision.  It is what it is.)  I’m sad, really sad.  The funny thing is – no one I know is sad.  I don’t blame them.  Outside looking in I’ve told myself I was stupid on more than one occasion but I am sure deep down I’m afraid to be alone.  I haven’t been alone since about 2003 when he and I dated in our 20s.  It’s scary and freeing?  I think he’s been a security blanket for me and a friend.  He was a terrible boyfriend 95% of the time but I also did what I wanted, when I wanted, raised the kids the way I wanted, etc.  Our Venn Diagram just wasn’t overlapping anymore.  He desperately wants kids of his own, but I question if he has it in him to put the time and effort into it – he’s extremely self-centered.  But, I will be ok and this too shall pass.  I wish we didn’t live in a small town because it makes everything much harder.  I could ramble all day, but it was the right decision for both of us even it it sucks.
    11. NEW – Exercise, exercise, exercise and plan meals.  I’ve been doing pretty well in the exercise department for 6 weeks except last week.  I was active and got the steps in, etc. but didn’t stick to my workout plan.  Running around and coaching the kids helps me stay on track too.  Way to many adult-coping beverages this weekend.  Back on track with this tomorrow.  I can’t deny how much better I feel when I feel good about myself inside AND out.  Need to meal plan just to keep my sanity and so the kids don’t eat PB&J for every meal.
    12. NEW – Find a new therapist because mine quit – piss poor timing on her part but can’t blame someone for moving forward in their life.
    13. NEW – Begin to start thinking about how I can help others like me.  Last week a girl from town lost her husband in an auto accident.  She and her daughter (age 3) were in the car.  I don’t know her but also didn’t want to overstep and contact her.  Today one of my friends who knows her asked me if she could share my information with her – yes, please do.  Being a recent widow with small children is hard enough much less trying to navigate Social Security and the rest of the paperwork.  I feel like I have more to give but not exactly sure how I want to do it.  For now, little things and maybe in the future, something bigger.
  1. Long-term
    1. Work part-time by the age of 50
    2. Get the f*** out of this area during the winter once the kids graduate from high school

That’s it for now.  Thank you for all of the words of encouragement and listening to me ramble! 

The Struggle Is Real And Maybe Signs Are Too?

I try to put a positive spin on things as much as possible, but sometimes there are those that just can’t see the positives.  Losing my husband in the accident was the worst day of our life.  We would have him back with us in a heartbeat if it was an option.  However, I look at my two healthy, smiling, loving kids and I know from the bottom of my heart that if one or both of them weren’t here and my husband and I were, we would have not been able to live with ourselves, much less together.

His family struggles.  A lot.  I can’t imagine the pain it must be to lose a child.  I’m not sure how I would cope if the kids weren’t here to keep me going much less if it was one of my children.  Don’t get me wrong, we struggle too but we do a lot of work to maintain functionality.  We started therapy immediately following the accident, we talk about it – all of the time, I encourage the kids to talk freely about their Daddy and his name goes on every drawing the kids do.  At times it’s relentless, but if that’s how they need to express how they are feeling then so be it.  To date, his family has not tried to find someone to talk to and instead crawl into a dark hole.  I try very very hard to accommodate their schedules and requests but I worry as the kids get older and busier, what they are going to grasp to if they can’t find themselves a bit of inner peace?

What started this rant?  His dad stopped by today to bring the kids ice cream but they are camping with my dad.  He started to go on about his depression and how he can’t get out of his funk (normal).  Up on the hill was a cardinal.  I almost giggled out loud.  I am less than religious but sometimes I just wonder if signs could be real.

I guess he owes me another one for listening to his Dad rant today.  I have a feeling he was probably giggling at me talking/tolerating to his Dad and crying at the same time.  I wish he was here to tell him to pull himself together – he was the only one who could get away with that.  At the very least it brings a smile to all of our faces every time we see a cardinal and wonder if it’s possible that there’s someone looking down on us?  I doubt it, but if it makes us smile – who cares!  I also ate one of the DQ blizzards and it was awesome….